Dear ENC Editor(s),

Recently, I, G.E. Monotoli, was fortunate enough to come across the recently founded Eagleland News Central site. First off, I would like to applaud you on your triumphs, which have been abundant throughout your brief site history, which spans less than a month. I find the site to be a quick, informative source of news as well as an entertaining site with which I am in constant amusement by. Kudos, chap(s).

Among the content that caught my eye was the side bar and the contest concerning the said bar. As a weathered entrepreneur myself, I can assure you that my 50 years - 57 years if you include my various endeavors prior to my completion of college - of business experience will work to bring you, at the minimum, one satisfactory suggestion. I am not a writer nor an internet webmaster, but I have hired some of the best, especially in recent times using Stephen King to write a brief, one-page novella for a magazine ad, and my various experiences using Yoda to manipulate the computer into producing an aesthetically pleasing website, www.monotoli.eb, for my billion dollar business. While I have a feeling Yoda would only use this side bar for various company links, it seems you have already chosen a section of web site space to serve such a purpose.

Since the expected response of Yoda has failed us, I am left to myself to provide an answer to the riddle concerning this as of yet unused sidebar. As both a businessman and an active man in the racing world, a gut instinct is to reserve this bar for advertisers. While the current budget of Monotoli Inc. does not allow for much excess spending on advertising, I am flexible on such matters and will pay for this advertising out of my own wallet. Please contact me at monodaman@monotoli.eb to discuss further details of such an advertising deal if interested.

Since we are discussing an advertising deal, I would like to suggest, in the event of a failure to reach an agreement, that you give free advertising to the already classic Arnold Schwartzenegger film, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. Not only would this give proper advertising to a deserving cause, but it would keep a crucial demographic interested in the site since it is painfully obvious that nothing will hold the attention of a male between the ages of 16-35 or a female between the ages of 16-77 as greatly as a cybernetic machine disguised as a muscular naked male would. Once this film has completed its theatrical run, it is advised that you use the sidebar to display various photographic images of Mr. Schwarzenegger to keep the attention of the previously mentioned demographic.

As a wealthy, old businessman who constantly finds himself stuck in his office due to the overwhelming work presented, it is quite fascinating to note the difficulty of getting a pizza quickly enough to satisfy my hunger at the optimal moment and furthermore, it is equally as difficult to find a pizza that meets my standards. It seems that far too many pizzas are made with much haste and delivered so slowly it seems as if the roads of Fourside are good for nothing more than impenetrable pileups commonly seen in films similar to the one mentioned in a prior paragraph, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines.

While Mach Pizza is not my preferred pizza, they are the fastest and have developed a new technology utilizing the internet. This internet tool is placed in web site bars similar to the one featured on the ENC website. This tool, gives you the option of selecting the pizza you want as well as any other items featured on the menu. However, I have found an expanded menu which asks you by which method of transportation you would prefer the pizza be delivered, including delivery by helicopter, which is the most convenient for me. In desperate attempts to save money, Mach Pizza limits its phone time to cut electricity usage, so this delivery question is never asked over the phone. Although these electricity woes could be more easily solved merely by removing the computer used to track these online orders, the phone girl gets awfully bitter if she gets bored, so the computer is a necessity.

I have noticed the emphasis on writing presented at ENC. I would like to note that most novels are only 60,000 to 80,000 words long. If you write one sentence a day in this side bar, it will likely average out to ten words a sentence, resulting in a full novel in only 6,000 to 8,000 days. That will average out to 7,000 days per novel. While one novel would be more than many people write in their lives, writing at this pace would give you a minimum of three full novels written in your lifetime.

I am awaiting your response to my suggestions and am in hopes that you will consider my ideas. Please note that in case I am not available at the time of the awarding of the miscellaneous points, my public relations agent will be available and will have a worthy charitable cause ready to receive this points.

Regards,
Geralde E. Monotoli

(Note: Since this e-mail was sent through an experimental Escargo Express e-mail provider, the delivery was delayed by weeks. Monotoli is not eligible for any misc. points, no matter which charity he was planning on donating to.)