Monday, September 8, 2003

9:00 AM - Hey dudes, Captain Chill is in the hizouuuse!
11:20 AM - Thugs beat up. I think they were thugs.
11:54 AM - Gang-related violence reported in museum.
12:23 PM - Man taken in for disturbing the peace in the restaurant. He was complaining that they wouldn’t make him a steak.
1:55 PM - Stolen book - “Stealing for Dummies”. No suspects.
2:34 PM - Mayor’s toupee stolen. Suspects apprehended.
2:40 PM - Fight reported at local shop. Fight broken up.
4:26 PM - Boat reported stolen. Not a good boat either, I don’t know why anyone would steal that.
6:45 PM - Carjacking outside the museum. Sucks to be you, I guess.
10:12 PM - Something happened, but I was sleeping. I think my guys took care of it.

Tuesday, September 9, 2003

9:00 AM - All men in Summers arrested for failure to comply with “No Straight Ties Day”. No further crimes reported because nobody could report them. Not even me, oh no!

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

11:40 AM - Zombie uprising at beach. Temporary beach closing until new lifeguards could be hired.
12:30 PM - Carjacking in progress, suspects apprehended
12:46 PM - Suspect drives through port-a-potty, hits building after. Suspect arrested.
12:47 PM - Man arrested for public urination. Claims his port-a-potty was broken in half by carjacker.
Arrested for failure to put pants back on.
1:20 PM - Stolen pants found, public urination man released.
4:30 PM - Boat reported stolen. Nearby man claims the boat was sucked up by the Kraken.
6:30 PM - Mike Tyson, Oscar De La Hoya get into fight at local shop. Local store owners, police officers had nothing to do with it. Really. Oscar won, by the way.

Thursday, September 11, 2003

9:00 AM - Hey dudes, Captain Chill is going undercover. That’s all for this week, see you later.