Earth: mostly harmless in all aspects but it is a place that deserves guardians when in times of peril.

It is one of few places deserving. After all, it is mostly harmless, so when an intergalactic bully like Giygas decides he is going to push it around, something is going to be done. I received the assignment to save the planet, and luckily, for Earth it is only mostly harmless.

At the galactic space meeting, it was uncovered that Giygas was going to try to annihilate this tiny and infantile planet. We all agreed that he had to be stopped. I, having been under cover on Giygas as one of his top henchmen, was sent to get the block rolling to save Earth: the meteorite ride begins.

Earth is a planet where very few believe organisms exist beyond their planet. I couldn’t just waltz in on a nice and comfortable vessel as is the norm. I had to go under cover as a space-rock, and only appear when a certain boy came forward. Meteors are not very comfortable, but I had to, and an extra benefit was stealth. Those Starmen are sharp: they see a vessel they don’t know, they shoot it into another dimension. It would buy me some time.

I geared up for the trip, and the committee placed me inside the stone. I had a premonition this would be my last mission, but I refused to die at the hands of the Starmen.

Whoosh.

I had been flung off into the deep bowels of space. It is a nice ride and all, I don’t often get to go at Ludicrous Speed, but turbulence in radiational belts can be brutal. On my way to Earth I hit about five hundred and hurled about an equal number of time. I thought I got the Lead Meteor, but it seems I didn’t because my space in there smelled rancid.

Booooooooom.

I landed. Soon after, a loud noise sounded out. I heard the people talking and saw some blue suits. Had I hit my spot near the boy? I was sure I had. I don’t miss. Where was he though? Wasn’t he drawn to the fact a meteorite fell? That should have go most people. I thought this planet was fairly cold too, so I tossed on a jacket and cranked the heat up to about seventy Celsius. Yeah, that was almost as nice as the planet Vulcan of the star Ugor in the Btelian sector. It is tough to get that. I think I heard people crying about burns after they touched my rock, too.

Finally, some porky kid got the boy up because he was to chicken to come up to the meteor to get his brother alone. I waited till the funny smelling thing walked off barking and they got Rip van Wrinkle up and walking. Then I emerged from my meteorite. I gave him the usual talk and told him his world was in danger. I was one hundred per cent sure this kid was one of the reasons Earth is mostly harmless and not just harmless. He was fine with that and we went back.

Whirr, Snap.

A dang Starman Jr. was in the way trying to stop us. I can’t believe they tried this; it was almost insulting. A Junior, seriously, the fat kid probably eats those things for brunch. After casting some shields, the Junior tried casting fire, which failed miserably for very obvious reasons. They just couldn’t make Starmen like they did before, and it is really a pity because the high quality ones actually can put up a good fight sometimes.

After watching the fat kid hide, the mop-top whack it with a golf club, and the boy go after it with a baseball bat in crappy condition, I was confused. Why was it still mostly harmless? These are no advanced weapons. But, seeing that the boy had good move like PK Healing and that good stuff, I wouldn’t encourage taking the “mostly” out. He definitely puts it there.

I think it may have been the first Starman defeat by means of unorthodox weaponry, but whatever would save the world would have to do. I am sure that mankind would not mind being saved even if the person fending off the zombies or intergalactic bully-planet eaters gave them a beating with a terra cotta flower pot and scissors that could not cut through butter. I would not be picky about that. I would actually like to see it in some movie. Imagine, a thing that devours whole planets is beat down by some dork with a butter knife. That is good entertainment.

Where was I, O, and then we had to go back to the fat kid’s house. When the two kids got in there, I was terrified. No, not by the fat woman but by the father smacking them like there was no tomorrow and he was going to hell in the middle of the apocalypse. He had stun guns and planks with nails. You named and he used it.

Then it seemed like the coast was clear.

The fat lady saw me. She went berserk. First she called me a dung beetle. Then she squashed me. I called the boy to my side.

At this point, I noticed the galactic council was either really in a humorous mood or just too scared. They hid this MP3 player in a rock. Did they have to cover everything in rocks?

I handed him the rock and told him how to get, by which I mean download, the sanctuary songs. And with that great music, which reminded me of Frank Zappa as did all things when I was fading away, I told him to get Giygas.

And now, I lay here, in the fat lady’s dust pan, wondering how this will end. Galactic council, best of luck with this mission, the Starmen didn’t get me, but some fat lady did. I can see it now: that boy and his comrades will save Earth because I set them for it. Giygas, Starmen, and evil people and part poopers: you’re going down to a boy who fights with a baseball bat. You never saw it coming.