Welcome to the wonderful world of HUMOUR! I am your host, the Scalding Coffee. I sit in the new Internet Cafe in Fourside typing to you, and boy, are my fingers tired!

Get it? I DON'T HAVE ANY! AH-HAHAHAHA.

So how am I typing this to you? Simple. Voice to text software. It's very simple. I say something like "BANANA FANNAH FO FUM" and the text will display it. No, it does not say "reed" for "read" or "red" for "read". Okay? It's PERFECT. IT DOESN'T FAIL. UNLIKE YOUR CRAP-LIKE PROGRAMS. Sorry. I started screaming at the microphone. I accidentally spilled coffee on myself.

Get it? Because ... Oh never mind.

As an audience, you people are PATHETIC. Why aren't you laughing? I bet if my name was "Scalding Tim Allen" I'd be funny. I'd be the funniest drink on the face of the earth. I'd be the new "Drew BeerCarey" or "Jerry SeinWhiskey". Get it? I replaced those two comedy legends names with ...

Shut up. I'm still funnier then you.